As most of our readers know by now, President Barack Obama had everyone laughing at the 2016 White House Correspondent’s Dinner. In our humble opinion, he is not only a brilliant and compassionate president, he’s a natural born comedian with impeccable timing.
He joked about Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders, Ted Cruz–and yes, even Donald Trump.
And here, courtesy of The White House, is a portion of the transcript to this hilarious historical speech:
(Entrance music: “When I’m Gone” by Anna Kendrick.)
THE PRESIDENT: You can’t say it, but you know it’s true. (Laughter.)
Good evening, everybody. It is an honor to be here at my last — and perhaps the last — White House Correspondents’ Dinner. (Laughter and applause.)
You all look great. The end of the Republic has never looked better. (Laughter and applause.)
I do apologize — I know I was a little late tonight. I was running on C.P.T. — (laughter) — which stands for “jokes that white people should not make.” (Laughter and applause.) It’s a tip for you, Jeff. (Laughter.)
Anyway, here we are. My eighth and final appearance at this unique event. (Laughter.) And I am excited. If this material works well, I’m going to use it at Goldman Sachs next year. (Laughter and applause.) Earn me some serious Tubmans. That’s right. (Laughter and applause.)
My brilliant and beautiful wife, Michelle, is here tonight. (Applause.) She looks so happy to be here. (Laughter.) That’s called practice — it’s like learning to do three-minute planks. (Laughter.) She makes it look easy now. (Laughter.)
Next year at this time, someone else will be standing here in this very spot, and it’s anyone’s guess who she will be. (Laughter and applause.) But standing here, I can’t help but be reflective, a little sentimental. Eight years ago, I said it was time to change the tone of our politics. In hindsight, I clearly should have been more specific. (Laughter.)
Eight years ago, I was a young man, full of idealism and vigor, and look at me now. (Laughter.) I am gray and grizzled, just counting down the days ’til my death panel. (Laughter and applause.) Hillary once questioned whether I’d be ready for a 3 a.m. phone call — now I’m awake anyway because I’ve got to go to the bathroom. (Laughter and applause.) I’m up.
In fact, somebody recently said to me, Mr. President, you are so yesterday; Justin Trudeau has completely replaced you — he’s so handsome, he’s so charming, he’s the future. And I said, Justin, just give it a rest. (Laughter and applause.) I resented that. (Laughter.)
Meanwhile, Michelle has not aged a day. (Applause.) The only way you can date her in photos is by looking at me. (Laughter.) Take a look.
Here we are in 2008. (Slide is shown.)
Here we are a few years later. (Slide is shown.)
And this one is from two weeks ago. (Slide is shown.) (Laughter and applause.)
[SKIPPING MUCH OF THE TRANSCRIPT TO THIS LAST HISTORIC PHRASE!]
So this night is a testament to all of you who have devoted your lives to that idea, who push to shine a light on the truth every single day. So I want to close my final White House Correspondents’ Dinner by just saying thank you. (Applause.) I’m very proud of what you’ve done. It has been an honor and a privilege to work side by side with you to strengthen our democracy. (Applause.)
And with that, I just have two more words to say -– Obama out. (Drops microphone.) (Laughter and applause.) Thank you. (Applause.)
Here’s the link to the original White House Correspondent’s Dinner videos and the FULL transcript: